you know, when you were younger, you had alot of potential. but you were hit left and right to the point where you were once a sharp needle, became a blunt stick. you are no longer worthy of the things you once call "passion" and your skills, like your life source, dwindle down. youve lost the confidence in yourself as well as others and ultimately, you are alone. now, you look at yourself in the mirror and wonder what are you even good at.
and at the back of your mind, you heard a whisper, so quiet and light that even the wind is unable to pick up, but nonetheless, so loud that you felt as though your skull vibrated and the brain you have in that head of yours has shrunk and its a dry, empty husk.
that whisper slowly tearing through your entire existence, eating you from the inside out. youre nothing, you heard. youre worthless. you lack skills. you lack everything everyone else have. youre a fucking waste of space.
so, for the past few days,
I've been nothing but a drag and depressed.
no surprise there.
maybe its just me being useless and worthless;
everything that I am not.
so what happened is that my sister came back home and of course,
the rents just basically worship her like shes the motherfucking god.
and then,
there is me:
the unemployed, lazy ass that stuck around and do nothing in life.
you can tell that they both were playing favorites
with the way they talk to her and the way they talk to me.
for example:
they cooed when they talk to her
and used harsh tones when they talk to me.
yesterday (060417)
the mom came home and started yelling and banging shit at me.
keep in mind,
it was out of no where and I was shocked as I did nothing wrong.
it is bad enough that my own mind was poisoning me
but to have someone else to poison it further just broke me.
that night,
the mother came into the room and
me, knowing shit is going to go down, prepared myself.
I gave her a hard glare and put a wall between myself and her
in which the wall slowly developed into a tiny space.
she then started with an apology and I rolled my eyes
because I knew that she's going to attack me.
sure enough, she did.
"I'm sorry for my actions this morning but I couldn't control myself,"
as if.
maybe its the way she has treated me over the years that I have turned into a monster, a disappointment. a reflection sometimes exposes more reality than the object that it echoes.
i'm not gonna lie,
but for the past few months i've been...
upset.
i don't know if depressed is the word
as my problems aren't that huge.
i've been spending quite some time thinking and trying to keep myself busy.
firstly,
i'd like to get this off my chest as it has been bothering me the most:
i've met up with one of my cousin yesterday [010317]
regarding a job.
when i met her,
i was nervous as fuck.
i was sweating balls.
i then handed her my cv and the first thing she told me was: "i'm not looking for part-timers. i'm only looking for those who would want to succeed in life."
it then hit me;
making me think that i'm not good enough and stuff like that.
we continue talking and the more we talked,
the more i feel like a complete idiot.
the constant question that lingered in my mind was why did i sign myself up for this?
the way she talked to me it's as though she was hesitant to take me in,
like she doesn't think that i am suitable for the job.
it is bad enough that i don't think i am suitable but there is no need to put me down.
the more i think about it,
the more doubtful i felt.
like my self-worth is nothing at all.
that night,
i came across this video regarding about depression
and it hit me real hard in the chest.
that night,
i didn't sleep properly as my mind was constantly on the topic.
it then brought me to wonder; am i depressed? 🗲
"i tend to assume that i am 100 times worst than everyone else. it's kind of a depression anxiety thing, i guess."
"i totally get it, like i know people, i've had my had moments. it just hard to conceptualise for someone who has it worst. but, i want to try, atleast."
"yeah, i get it. there needs a whole conceptualise word for the whole anxiety, doubt, self - sabotage ball of wax. when you're talking about depression, there is not a whole lot of point to do anything because everything is so shitty and you can't stop telling yourself that even though you know that is not true. it's not true! like it's not! but you just want to believe for whatever reason..."
"it's not true! you've been apologising for standard things!"
"i know! like an obligatory to apologise for apologising. you can at least take it a compliment that am so afraid of losing this that i am generally anxious around you."
🗲
"i love metaphors actually. in comics, there are a lot of depression that i can relate. that one thing where depression is like a broken hand where people just keeps telling you to get over."
"yeah, i've seen that. oh, just man up! because that's a thing."
"oh, i know! i actually have my own metaphors for depression. it's like this thing were... did you ever watch the show x-files? i actually didn't. but back in the old days, i did that thing where you randomly watched a show where you've never seen it and then like 2 years later, you randomly decide to watch it again and you changed the channel -"
"and it's the same episode?"
"yes! so yeah, i've watched the same episode twice! it's the episode where x-files and lady x-files were trapped in the fungus thing and it makes them hallucinate where they can't tell if they were dreaming or they were in reality; it keeps tricking them into thinking that they have escaped but they are still trapped and that is kind of the basis of my metaphor. it is this thing where you keep slipping into the reality, you don't notice it until it is too late."
"oh, it is this thing where you're just telling yourself that you suck even though you don't. even though you know it is not your real voice saying that!"
"yeah! but it's not like you're in a fungus though. it's like you're sitting in your living room and you're just talking to someone about your problems and it is just laying into you about how shitty you are and you're kind of nodding along and when you looked up, you realised that you've been talking to Depression Guy. you were just sitting in your living room, reading and this horrible guy snuck into your room and just sat down and saying shit to you. it took you two days to notice it and now you're just sad for weeks."
🗲
"Depression Guy is dressed subtly like he belongs there. he blends in so you don't see it coming and then suddenly, he comes and annihilates your self-esteem before you can remember that it keeps happening! it's kind of how i see it anyways. i swear to God that depression is an outside entity that keeps making you forget reality because intellectually, i do know that i am alright, that i am good and kind to everyone. it just a total asshole that keeps sneaking in, ruining your life and you're trap. and then, suddenly, it has been a week since i've left the house and the cycle continues."
"yeah, it makes me understand Depression Guy more."
🗲
"i was just trying to let others understand the whole depression thing."
"there are different kinds of depression though."
"i just... trying to conceptualise my own situation. but other people just have terrible medical things that caused it or if they have issued even from childhood."
"exactly, that's why metaphors are so juvenile. whatever your good intentions, people are going to assume that you are speaking for everyone."
"you're right."
"what's the difference between a mission and ignorance? people these days tend to search for easy answers, convenient little blurbs that can explain a huge complex issues and you're just doing that. you should have put that in your social media; how you are kind of self absorb and naive, how you're really immature so your friends will know that they have to put up with alot. you have to ask yourself if your social media requires so many disclaimers of the front of it."
"then there is really not a point of having one..."
"because you are just wasting other people's time. other people aren't like you; they are more mature and centred and a lot happier. you can't just show up with all your issues and expecting others to tolerate you. there's a certain level for you to get to before you're able to be loved and support, right?"
"i can imagine it though. i just... wanted to be the one. that was me. i can do it! i believe i can do it..."
"that was like a week ago, your friend actually texted you before they gave up."
"i told them about you, you know? they weren't bothered. you assume you know how people reacted but you're never right, you just -"
"YOU assumed you were right though. generally the insults were right though, people telling you how they really feel."
"i remember it though, that was ME! i can imagine that i was doing alright. i can only picture the best when i'm severally depressed. i atleast want to believe."
🗲 depression is like a squatter that somehow managed to get into your house, refuses to leave and then passive-aggressively criticised you for letting him in the first place. 🗲 depression is like a cancer. we all have it in us; it just depends whether the cancer is activated or not. even if you do have cancer, you can never fully get rid of it. you're just trying to prolong your illness. depression is like that, regardless of how busy you try to make yourself, it is just a manner of time of when depression will come back. 🗲 no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you steer away from that direction, depression is like water. it is everywhere; you just can't see it. but it will always be there.
the amount of time ive spent,
the effort that ive pushed forth.
wasted.
basically,
i graduated with a pass;
a third class honors and because of that,
i am unable to further my progress.
i am unable to proceed to apply for the exam
in order for me to possess a license to practice in court.
i am stuck.
try as i might,
no matter how hard i claw my way out,
no matter how many breaths i take,
it all seem futile.
which then brings me the question: why bother?
the path that ive edged and forged my way through
came to a stop.
a dead end.
for so many months,
ive been trying to keep myself busy.
looking for part time jobs and so on.
however,
the question stays: why bother?
i then told myself,
atleast i get a little income and i am able to gain experience.
the question once again arise: why bother?
why do should i bother putting myself into that position?
the position that i am unable to reach no matter how hard ive tried?
no matter how hard ive jumped and clawed my way to the top?
that position is unreachable thanks to the one thing that is holding me down:
my degree;
that heavy weight that is not only on my shoulders but around my ankles,
the weight that refuses to left me lift my fingers nor my confidence,
the weight that stops me from being happy.
oh kim, you should be happy! youve graduated with a degree and that is something! NO!
its not!
what is the point of me trying to strive forward
when i am unable to do the thing i look forward to since my teenage years?
it is like asking a fisherman to go out to the stormy seas
with nothing but a boat.
no fishing rod,
no fishing net,
no nothing.
why dont you just try to find a different profession?
it is really easy for you to say as it does not apply to you.
i built my life around this goal i had since i was 15,
and yet,
the result is that i am not worthy to progress on.
i am not worthy.
a failure,
if you will.
it is not enough that my confidence have been constantly pushed down
by others commenting of how fat i am,
but to be pushed even further down to find out that
i failed in life?
on the bright side,
ive already applied to the NCA for me to be able to progress in Canada.
if only.
im laughing at myself.
bright side.
what fucking bright side is that?
to be waiting anxiously for the result?
why dont you just kiss my rotten hand and pull the fucking plug already? fuck me.
everything i mention in this post is based on my opinion; no point getting your panties wet over my opinions.
honestly speaking,
i think kids are one of the most cruellest human beings ever.
before getting your panties wet or your nipples twisted,
hear me out:
the other day,
my nephew told me point blank in the face that i am fat.
oh no! i am being really sensitive once again!
it basically hurt my feelings alot as it is so direct.
whereas if an adult were to tell me that,
i will just brush it away and disregard their comments on my body.
however,
what kids tell you straight in the face is just brutal honesty.
without any disregard of your emotions as kids dont know how to tell you properly.
ill give you an example: mommy, look! why does that lady just sit by the road side asking for money? she has all of her limbs and she is capable to function properly, so why is she being so lazy to not work? why must she beg for money or food? "you mustn't be lazy then or youll end up by the roadside, begging for money and not contribute to society."
here are my thoughts:
on the outlook,
it may seem as though the lady was being "lazy"
but what if she has a mental disability?
what if she has a criminal record of theft
and she has served her sentence?
what if she spend 6 months in jail,
serving her wrongdoing?
within that short amount of time,
she might have lost her family members (if she has them)
or she was unable to find a tenant that allows her to rent a place and start over?
what if, am i right?
though it dented my feelings as well as my fucking confidence
(or what is left of it),
i just smiled and walked away.
what else can i do?
yell back at the kid?
that seems childish of me to do so.
after what my nephew commented about me,
my niece asked my aunt the same question. why is auntie kimberly fat?
i heard it even though she sat across the table.
and as soon as those words left her lips and disappeared into the thin air,
so did my confidence.
so did my reassurance.
my temporary happiness.
what remained was self - conscious,
doubt,
despair,
depression.
what came after was anger,
dark clouds that loomed in front of my some-what bright blue sky,
dark grey sky which eventually became a downpour.
it aint funny nor fucking cute. oh, kim, she is just a kid. you should not take regard of what a kid said. they will say anything that comes into mind! exactly.
which means they are just telling or asking what they see.
which in return,
makes it worst.
i then teared up.
not because of the innocent yet hurtful comment that i had recieved from her
but rather the fact that people tend to comment on my body.
kim, you fat already.
kim, you've gained weight.
kim, you should cut back on what you eat.
kim, you should watch your food intake.
kim.
kim.
kim.
kim.
fat.
fat.
fat.
fat.
fat.
fat. SHUT THE FUCK UP!
it basically crushed my confidence,
as i hear it every day,
continuously.
i get it!
i aint thin!
i aint sexy nor am i hot!
i get it!
im not as pretty as others!
i understand!
enough!
stop it!
just stop it!
please.
stop.
i had a dream about you two nights ago and it was so hurtful as well as heartwrenching.
you were with your friends and you looked so much happier than you were with us.
you and your friends were lazing around; basking yourself under the warm sun.
you then saw me and ran towards me then ran back to your friends before i was even able to hug you.
i understand that you were trying to tell me that you are happier now, that you had friends to play with you and not neglect you like i did when you were here.
for that,
im sorry.
im sorry that i lost my temper at you for behaving so playful.
im sorry that i was impatient towards you whenever i had to take you out for a walk.
i was being selfish to the point where i grumble.
it was never a chore, it was for you to explore the world as well as to stretch your legs and yet i constantly held you back and yanking you whenever you made a stop to sniff the flowers.
but at the same time, i was the one that talked to you and embraced you whenever i came home; regardless of my allegies.
i showered you; not only to keep you clean but with tons of love as well.
i am hurt that you left without waiting for me.
but for you to wait for me is also hard, isnt it?
you were already suffering and once again, i was the one that wants to hold you back.
i just want to say my goodbye before you leave.
maybe you were waiting for me.
maybe you were wondering where i went.
maybe you were hoping i come back before you leave.
ive let you down.
in my dream,
you finally came to me and i laid down on the tummy of your friend and you snuggled me.
i was so happy that my allergies did not break out to the point where i placed me face in your body.
i am sorry as well,
in the dream before that,
i remember i was trying to shoo you away.
in my defence,
i didnt want to hold you back anymore.
i was scared that you thought i didnt want you anymore.
but it hurt me so much.
and in that process,
ive hurt you.
im sorry.
thank you though,
for coming back to me once again
to say a proper goodbye and for me to hug you again.
-
i woke up with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face.
my heart felt lighter and my soul felt lightweighted as well.
thank you,
jerry.
i will always love you and i am once again, sorry for not being there when you needed me most.
rest in peace,
my favorite berry. [130402-130616]
part of me hope to see you again, part of me wants you to move on.
It seems like forever since I've updated my blog.
Haha.
Anyways,
Today.
I've come to realization that I slowly do not care
What others say about me.
True,
I will agonize about it.
But it's only for a while and then I'll stop.
Every single time I put myself in depression about
What others say,
I'll ask myself:
Is it worth it?
Is it worth all the time I spent emoing over something?
Is it worth making myself unhappy?
I realized I've moved on bit by bit.
Small step by small step.
I'm a curious girl
And sometimes my curiosity tend to overcome me.
But now,
I realized that curiosity can sometimes hurt me deep;
Scar me as well as pain me in so many ways.
I'm trying to move on.
I'm trying to block out all the negativity in life.
I see changes in myself.
And I hope I am able to continue to change (:
"i never said you're cruel. you're just thinking it that way. you don't understand how hurtful to hear YOUR mother constantly telling me to give up MY dog. she may be family but she has NO right to do so. he is part of an entirely different family which does not consist of anyone other than the same surname is my family. you may think it's the best for my dog but have you ever thought how hurtful it is to my dog? have you ever thought that jerry doesn't want to part us? no. he doesnt have the same tongue as us and does not know how to form words like we humans know how to do. he does not know the situation and it is UNFAIR towards him. when we were moving, you know that jerry always sat by the car door and whenever we opened the door, he would jump in? he is not the type that does that but he missed us so. and he is old. he has no friends but my family. how do you think he would want to spend his last days? sedated by chemicals everyday in the pound? feel lost and lonely? or he might even be killed after a week due to his age. well i'm so sorry for misunderstanding your 'good will' but do you even take the time to bathe your dog? do you pick up his poop? no. your mom complains to me about the way you take care of your dog. you have no right to lecture me when YOU have NEVER picked up his poop. yes. you spend time with your dog, im sure of that. no, i dont spend as much time with my dog. that is because i'm allergic to his fur and my mom wouldnt let him in because he tends to shed every now and then. but i take him for walks everyday, i bring him to exercise. i massage him while bathing him every twice a week, i clean his poop every now and then. i took care of the scars he has on his body, i tried my best to cure him. i may scold my dog but then you dont know how much it hurts me to do that. you may have bought books before you got your dog but you dont spend a single day just to bathe him, you dont deeply understand your dog unless you've gone through thick and thin with him. dont put me at your level. im at a higher level than you are."
