#494 I Miss You

i had a dream about you two nights ago and it was so hurtful as well as heartwrenching.

you were with your friends and you looked so much happier than you were with us.

you and your friends were lazing around; basking yourself under the warm sun. 

you then saw me and ran towards me then ran back to your friends before i was even able to hug you.

i understand that you were trying to tell me that you are happier now, that you had friends to play with you and not neglect you like i did when you were here.

for that, 

im sorry. 

im sorry that i lost my temper at you for behaving so playful.

im sorry that i was impatient towards you whenever i had to take you out for a walk.

i was being selfish to the point where i grumble.

it was never a chore, it was for you to explore the world as well as to stretch your legs and yet i constantly held you back and yanking you whenever you made a stop to sniff the flowers.

but at the same time, i was the one that talked to you and embraced you whenever i came home; regardless of my allegies. 

i showered you; not only to keep you clean but with tons of love as well.

i am hurt that you left without waiting for me.

but for you to wait for me is also hard, isnt it?

you were already suffering and once again, i was the one that wants to hold you back.

i just want to say my goodbye before you leave.

maybe you were waiting for me.

maybe you were wondering where i went.

maybe you were hoping i come back before you leave.

ive let you down.

in my dream,

you finally came to me and i laid down on the tummy of your friend and you snuggled me.

i was so happy that my allergies did not break out to the point where i placed me face in your body.

i am sorry as well,

in the dream before that,

i remember i was trying to shoo you away.

in my defence,

i didnt want to hold you back anymore.

i was scared that you thought i didnt want you anymore.

but it hurt me so much.

and in that process, 

ive hurt you.

im sorry.

thank you though,

for coming back to me once again

to say a proper goodbye and for me to hug you again.

-

i woke up with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face.

my heart felt lighter and my soul felt lightweighted as well.

thank you,

jerry.

i will always love you and i am once again, sorry for not being there when you needed me most.

rest in peace,

my favorite berry. [130402-130616]

part of me hope to see you again, part of me wants you to move on.

im learning to move on as well.

dont let my tears stop you, okay?

#493 Welcome Back

I'm sad to say that I've let my blog die.

AND NOW ITS BEEN REVIVED!

Honestly, 

It has been a hectic year for me in 2013.

I've doubt myself and my abilities so many times

That it's too much to count.

I'm no longer as confident as I was

(When ever that is)

And I've kept on looking at my flaws

And wish that I could be like other girls;

Other girls that are pretty and stuff like that.

But.

I'm just me (heh)

And I'm alone.

Anyways, this year shall be different

As I told myself that I should stop focusing on

The bad points of myself and focus on the good points instead

*smiley face*

I will write more in my blog.

At least once every week or some sort.

Shall not go to lazy. haha.

After all,
This IS and internet diary.

As for as my concern,

No one reads it and I'm alright with it.

I'm considering vlogs.

But sometimes vlogs are kinda annoying as my train of thoughts will wander.

Blogs tend to make me stop and think and then go with the flow...?

Anywho,

I need to stop looking at others and think,

Why are other people so pretty and shit like that.

It's only making me feel like shit and gahhhhhh.

Alright.

Enough rants and more watching movies and doing my assignment. (yay)

*smiley face*

#492 Lone

How lonely does one gets?

Is lonely a companion?
If so, is it a good companion?
Or is it a bad companion?

Does one really need friends?
Can one just live solely on their own?

#491 Changling

It seems like forever since I've updated my blog.
Haha.

Anyways,
Today.
I've come to realization that I slowly do not care
What others say about me.
True,
I will agonize about it.
But it's only for a while and then I'll stop.
Every single time I put myself in depression about
What others say,
I'll ask myself:
Is it worth it?
Is it worth all the time I spent emoing over something?
Is it worth making myself unhappy?

I realized I've moved on bit by bit.
Small step by small step.

I'm a curious girl
And sometimes my curiosity tend to overcome me.
But now,
I realized that curiosity can sometimes hurt me deep;
Scar me as well as pain me in so many ways.

I'm trying to move on.
I'm trying to block out all the negativity in life.

I see changes in myself.
And I hope I am able to continue to change (:

As I am not here to please anyone but myself.

I'm a curious girl.

#490 My Dog

"i never said you're cruel. you're just thinking it that way. you don't understand how hurtful to hear YOUR mother constantly telling me to give up MY dog. she may be family but she has NO right to do so. he is part of an entirely different family which does not consist of anyone other than the same surname is my family. you  may think it's the best for my dog but have you ever thought how hurtful it is to my dog? have you ever thought that jerry doesn't want to part us? no. he doesnt have the same tongue as us and does not know how to form words like we humans know how to do. he does not know the situation and it is UNFAIR towards him. when we were moving, you know that jerry always sat by the car door and whenever we opened the door, he would jump in? he is not the type that does that but he missed us so. and he is old. he has no friends but my family. how do you think he would want to spend his last days? sedated by chemicals everyday in the pound? feel lost and lonely? or he might even be killed after a week due to his age. well i'm so sorry for misunderstanding your 'good will' but do you even take the time to bathe your dog? do you pick up his poop? no. your mom complains to me about the way you take care of your dog. you have no right to lecture me when YOU have NEVER picked up his poop. yes. you spend time with your dog, im sure of that. no, i dont spend as much time with my dog. that is because i'm allergic to his fur and my mom wouldnt let him in because he tends to shed every now and then. but i take him for walks everyday, i bring him to exercise. i massage him while bathing him every twice a week, i clean his poop every now and then. i took care of the scars he has on his body, i tried my best to cure him. i may scold my dog but then you dont know how much it hurts me to do that. you may have bought books before you got your dog but you dont spend a single day just to bathe him, you dont deeply understand your dog unless you've gone through thick and thin with him. dont put me at your level. im at a higher level than you are."

#489 Stronger

2012 has passed by.

And I have to admit that I've been through tough times

And such.

With the experience of 2012,

I've come to a decision where I'm going to change myself.

I would no longer show as much emotions

And I will keep them bottle up.

Why?

The answer is simple, 

It is my business and not others.

I will not let other people stick their noses in my business

And I will not cry out for help like I did.

No.

I'll revert back to the form 3 me

Where I stood strong on my own beliefs.

I will be strong and I will be tough.

Anyways,

I've began jogging recently and 

Frankly, I have a feeling 

I'll drop the habit soon.

Gosh.

Like a loser I am :(

Oh wells.

I will not say

I hope 2013 will be better.

No.

But I will say,

I hope I'll be stronger.

Haha, you know what?

I kinda found out that whenever I get

Negative emotions and such,

I'm able to write super alot of shit

But when I'm happy and so on.

I don't know what to say.

I'm so freaking weird.

Anywho,

I'm going to bed.

Nights.

I'll be stronger.

#488 Update

I had alot to talk about
But as soon as I logged into my blog,
I realized whatever I wanted to say seems to disappear.
I'm just being weird here.

Anyways,
I went for a marathon this morning from
Space u8 and I walked all the way home.
Not sure how far that as but yeah.

I kinda jogged too, I guess
But yeah.

Having a sore body right now.
I'm just trying to collect my thoughts right now,
Not really in the mood to blog.

So yeah.

Bye.

Bye.

#487 Oh My Blob

Oh my blob.

221212 (Saturday)
Went to Comic Fiesta 2012 with Amanda.
We queued up for 2 whole hours before we're able to get
In the hall.
It was super packed like sardines in a can.
All I can say is that it was a fun day for me
Even though I wasn't feeling that well.

I've just read a couple of blogs and it made me laughed.
Really?
Over such a small thing and everything turned sour for you.
Wow.
I've never encounter someone that has such strong emotions,
Aside from mine.

I do not want to say much.
But I can't helping laughing over it.

I'm so lumped up (:
Oh!
I've made a new video regarding Adventure Time.

Enjoy (:

Oh my blob.

#486 Flying FIsh

Just now,
I was dipping my feet in my house's pond
And it hit me.
I've realized that in some weird and sick way,
Fishes are flying.

Not the kind of flying you do up in the sky, no.
The more of floating kind.
You see,
Fishes are in a way, fly - floating in their way.
They do not touch the ground (sea bed).
It's funny, really.

If I have the ability to shape-shift into any animal,
I would become an eagle.
I would soar in the sky with no worries
For I am powerful and strong, too.
I will not worry any other bigger flying creatures
To hunt me down as I am the hunter, not the hunted.

I'm going out of topic here.
Back to the fishy case.
So yeah,
Don't you think it's true?
That fishes are 'flying'?
Hmm...

Fishes are flying!

#485 Dead

Man, my blog seems so dead.
I apologize for not updating it much.
It's just that I'm a super lazy girl
And a super hectic month has passed and all.
Rushing with my assignment and such.

Ok, moving on.

It's my sem break and I feel so bored.
Honestly la,
I'm not sure about alot of things.
Grrr.

Anyways,
It's been raining almost everyday.
Got myself a few shots of the lightning

Well,

That's about it.

I'm a boring person in this boring world.

Signing off,

Dead Blog