#151 Remember?

I came across something that made my heart felt.
Heavy.
Remember 'Brave Soldiers'?
If you don't understand what I meant,
It's okay.
That...
Thing.
Kinda remind me of..
Well..
Last time.
Remember?

I know I'm hopeless to dig this up.
But.
The good times.
The happy times.
I know I was stupid and naive.
I know that I get angry easily.
I know I was a messed up girl.
I know I was filled with anger,
And hatred.
I know I was full of jealousy.
I know.
I know my flaws.
And right now,
I'm trying my best to change myself
Into a better person.



It makes me feel..
Well..
Sad to think about the good times.
The one I let go so easily.
The one that I didn't sit down
And try to solve it with you.
Instead,
I ended it.

I wanted to hurt you.
I wanted to make you cry.
I wanted you to feel how I felt.
The pain and hurt inside.
The hatred and jealousy.
The anger that never fades.

I know it sounds mean.
But that was how I felt.
To make things worst,
My family crisis.
It doesn't stop.

Everyone has a limit
Apparently I too have one.
Remember I once said this to you?
My life is so much better now that we're not friends.
Remember?

It has its up and downs.
Lefts and rights.
In and out.
Black and white.
[Honestly, I like writing down opposites.]
I miss doing stupid yet memorable things.
I miss staying up all night just talking rubbish to you.
It sounds like I'm talking to my 'love one'
But trust me,
I'm not.
Instead,
I'm writing to this person.
To a friend whom I've lost,
And was never found.

Yes,
To a friend.
If you think I'm apologizing,
You might want to rethink.
Honestly,
I have no clue why am I writing this down.
Maybe I just want you to understand
What am I going through.

True I've been much more happier.
But I can still remember that sentence that hurt me.
Physically and mentally.
"I don't have issues. Not anymore."
It hurts you know that?
It hurts a lot.
It made me think,
Have I been an issue to you?
Have I been troubling you for over these years?
Have I always been such a pain to you?
Have I?

What I don't understand
Is that why did you put up to it?
Why didn't you just..
Stop being friends with me after the pain
I've put you in.
You told me,
You win,
I hope you're feeling victorious.
But,
Honestly,
I wasn't satisfied.

I'm a nut case to bring this up.
But whatever right?
I've said this before,
I like to dig up the past yet I wish to forget it.
Where's the delete button when you need one?

I'm trying my best to change into a better person