#305 Don't Talk To The Weird Girl

Honestly, I really don't feel like going to school anymore.
Emotion outburst.
Can't control it.
Words that I don't meant came out flying from my mouth.
I hate myself.
More than others hate me.

You see, it happened like this,
KDU kinda pissed me off with her attitude.
I mean, I can sense that she hates me for some reasons,
But whatever right?
Then Jay kept on pestering me wrote wrote the letter.
I asked him,
Whom do you think wrote it?
And yeah.
It happened quite a while
And he finally told me that he's going to ask the class.
And I said, don't.
And he started to asked
It was the last straw and I yelled at him.
My emotions running wild.
Obviously, they took his side considering that
He's been in this school for quite a while.

I was pissed off, bit back my tongue.
Teacher was explaining stuff to the students,
And I didn't have the book.
I didn't buy it, to be exact.
And so, I stared out of the window,
Letting my thoughts run wild like never before.
Imagining me killing him over and over and over again.
Stabbed him in the heart and such,
Trying to block out whatever names he called me.
But, as I suspected,
I'm not as strong as I thought I would be.
No, my defenses are getting
Weaker and weaker as the moment passed.
For every word people say about me,
I keep them in my heart,
Storing it away into a box that label,
The Truth About You.

Honestly,
The things people said about me are mostly the same:
Weird,
Stupid,
Emotional,
Bitch,
Arrogant,
Childish,
An asshole...
Those are like the main ones.
I can't tell you how much it really hurt me
Even though their just words.
The only thing that kept on repeating in my mind
To stop myself from bursting out is that
To ignore him is the best.

But the thing is,
Those words started to fade away and was replaced by:
Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup!!!
Tears rolled down and I tried my best to not show it.
Maybe that's the reason why I turned my back on the others,
To face outside.
Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup!!!
And finally, the teacher asked him to go to the office.
The first thing came to me was
What the fuck?
And she said I too have to go.
I could not hold back.
I yelled at her.
This is between me and him,
Why do you have to pull others in the situation?
Why do you want to make a big deal out of this?
And I was still holding back until...

Come on, bitch!

He said that to me.
I was shocked.
Then again, maybe I shouldn't be.
He went out and I slammed my palm on the wall near me.
Vending out all the frustration in me,
All the bitterness in me,
Wishing I could stop crying at that moment.
Wishing I could just disappear or just jump
From the window behind me.
I was tempted too.
Teacher got mad at me and asked me to sit down
And she started talking to me.
Honestly, I didn't want these to happen.
If I could rewind time,
I would rewind it all the way back to February
Where I could managed to convince my mom that
I needn't to transfer school.
I sat there, letting what others say about me whirl in my mind.
I mean,
If what others say about others right in their face,
It means they are true right?
Right?
It means I'm all of those things.
It means I'm every single thing they said.
It means everything is true.

I walked towards the office,
Trying my best to not cry.
Miss Thana saw me and asked what's wrong,
I told her.
Woe me.
I started to cry again.
I knew everything is my fault.
I started it.
Why?
Cause I can't seem to fucking control my emotions.
Maybe that's the main reasons why I kept on losing friends instead
Of making them.
I'm pro at making enemies than making friends.
Maybe that's what I am.
Someone to actually hate.
For a good reason too.

Miss Sim asked me to go in to her office.
And she started to talk to me, asking me to calm down first.
I told her the story.
Telling her it's all y fault.
I didn't want anyone else to get into trouble.
I didn't tell her the part where he called me names
Because that might be a little troublesome.
I regret transferring school though,
Regretted every stupid choice I made.

Yeah, back to the story.
I was busy crying and thinking if I should
Apologize to him.
Pride.
Is what was holding me up.
Eventually, I did apologize.
He said, I forgive you.
I felt like saying this out loud,
Right infront of him, right infront of Miss Sim.
Do you really?
Or you just want to say that just so you could get over this?
Maybe if you really did forgive me,
But how can I forgive you?
The things you lashed at me really hurts.
You're a guy, you don't know.
I've been through many things and yet, 
Even though I'm supposed to be immune to it by now,
But I guess not.
I guess I'm still; a stupid feeble little girl.
Whom is an immature bitch.

Instead, he took out his hand
And Miss Sim told me that he wants to shake my hand/
I admit, I did hesitate.
I didn't want to shake it off.
I want it to not happen at all.
But I don't think it'll be like that, anymore.
When he went out,
Miss Sim asked me to stay and asked me to calm down.
I did managed to smile when she asked me
If I'm Christian.
She prayed for me and I just sat there, numb.
Hearing her words, allowing them to flow into my mind.

Finally, I went back to my class.
Feeling wretch.
It was worst when people kept on coming to me
When I clearly just want to be alone.
Sure, they are being sweet and all
But I just need to be alone at that time.
Maybe building up walls that surrounds me at the same time.
Building up better, stronger and higher walls than before.

The only scenery that can keep me calm and at peace.

Building up better, stronger and higher walls than before.