#356 Smile

My best smile I'm unable to show to others.

So, I've slept for (total) 17 hours today
Including last night and such.
The reason of my sleeping is due to the fact
I've been thinking too much.
Their like a blade of a fan.
Once the fan is switched on,
They'll keep on spinning and spinning
And it's driving me nuts.
Seriously.

My handphone key chain broke off and it's lost.
I take it as a bad  luck, I guess.
Maybe something bad is going to happen to me(?)
Who knows.
I've done so many shitty things to people,
Thinking it's the right choice and such.
Eventually,
I've hurt them although I try to help.

I don't really like to take sides.
I judge 'em when I know 'em.
I want to stop all these stupidity.
All these unwanted emotions.
I look at the mirror every day.
Sounds vain and whatever
But I don't care.
I smile to myself in the mirror,
Trying to decide which smile is my best smile
And maybe offer that smile to someone who've helped and all.
But then,
Who has ever done nice things to me?
I'm constantly being abandon and such.
I try to push it all,
Thinking of many other good things.

I'm constantly being misunderstood.
When I'm joking,
People will think I wasn't and they take it hard.
I end up saying the wrong thing;
I end up being a bad guy.
Always the bad one.
Always the one other people points at with their
Vicious finger.

I'm trying to stand on my own to feet.
Trying to protect myself from all these people.
And my shield constantly been dented over and over.
I don't know how to take it.
I'm in pain.
I just don't show it and all.
'Cause I know my pain will effect people around me.
I'm being selfish and
I think it's good to be selfish at times like these (:

I'm glad add maths is over (phew).

Honestly,
It ain't that bad, I hope.
I mean, I'm able to do most of the questions,
Even paper two (:
Haha.
But I've a feeling I've alot of wrongs.
I hope not though.
Stayed up until 3 am to do add maths and all.
I regretted slacking for add maths.
But what can regrets do?
It's another feeling I'm trying to dispose of.

M,
Don't worry about me during camp.
I can take care of myself (:
I'm not some child that needs caring.
I just hope I'm able to make friends there.
Being left out is something I'm trying to get used too.
After all,
I've been that way since, well,
Birth I guess.
Even both my sister and cousins hated me last time
And I was constantly left out from the games they played.
I'm fine,
I really am (:
Maybe going to find things awkward a bit but
I can manage (:
So,
Take off the boulder that you've been lodging all around
On your shoulder.
It's cool (:


I was able to say goodbye to my science stream friends
On the last day I see 'em.
Part of me is relieve but heck,
I'm starting to feel that something is missing in my life.

That's it for now, I guess.
My friend is demanding more of my story (:
Trying to find the emotion to write it now.
But I'm dying to watch an anime called Death Note
Which is effing awesome :D
We'll see (:

A smile I'm not able to present to anyone but myself.