#481 Snapped

I'm just going straight to the point.
I cried in college today.

Maybe I'll just start at the beginning.

Thursday (200912)
I had a fight with my parents regarding dinner. It was silly actually but I didn't want to go because I haven finish my project for the next day. Honestly la, I cried because I felt so much is weighing heavily on my shoulders and I couldn't wait until everything was over. I exchanged harsh and painful words with my mother, hurting her more than intended.

Friday (210912)
I apologized to both my parents eventhough my ego was sky high. I've talked to my lecturer about the situation at home and finally, I gave in and apologized. I still haven talked to my sister and I didn't like it. Not one bit. After coming home from college, I had to rush to get ready to go to the airport to send my sister off to UK. But halfway there, my mom realised my sister forgotten to bring her documents and we had to jam all the way home and back. Didn't make it. Still did not talk.'

Saturday (220912)
I went for work at 10am until 7pm. My sister has flown to UK and I went to party at my friend's house, Hooi. It was awesome as I consumed alot of alcohol and went all crazy and stuff. Honestly, I've never had so much fun in my whole life with my friends and I realised there and then; maybe it's fated that I have awful friends last time so now I could cheish the ones I have now. Loo drove me home with his awesome Volkswagon Polo (so excited) and he lectured me about road safety.

Sunday (230912)
I couldn't remember anything when I woke up but it all came to me after showering. Got ready to go for driving practice and got scolded by the uncle over a small thing. Came home, took a shower and got ready to work from 12pm to 10pm. Ita and I had lots of fun talking to each other and so on.

Monday (240911)
I woke up early that day due to driving test. I was so nervous and I didn't get enough rest the night before. But I calmed down and made friends with a girl and we chatted about alot of silly stuff. We were there since 9.30 until 5pm. It was tiring and nerve-wrecking. But after the whole thing, I felt so light and happy. I went home with the happy news and slept. I woke up ay 7.30pm to have dinner, went to the market to change my shirt size and came home to continue with my poster. Sadly, the boss rejected my idea saying that 'there is not enough omph in it'. I felt pressured and stressed as I have done this project for quite a while. I've been wasting my time searching for the perfect background and photoshopped the whole thing in yet it was rejected. I've been redoing this for so many times that I felt I've lost hope.

Tuesday (250312/today)
I went to college, feeling happy and light eventhough I did not study for my quiz. It turned out there was homework on Monday and I did not know about due to my whole day at the driving test. My lecturer scolded me and she said this particular sentence that really hurt me,

"If I were your mother, I would nag and scold you everyday too,"

The reason why I felt hurt is because I've trusted her and told her my situation at home yet she used it to back fire me. I couldn't contain my emotions and silently sobbed during the whole quiz. Right after the quiz ended, I got up and rushed towards the bathroom where I started to cry and cry. I was relief that the bathroom was rather noisy so people couldn't really hear my sobs. And negative thoughts started to flood in my mind like, yes, I'm not as good as Jie Jie, my academy sucks, I'm worthless and so on. The more I thought about it, the sadder I became. Thoughts such as suicide started to flood in and I imagined so many death scenes of me. After I've calmed down which was about an hour later, I realised that dying isn't going to help me. I'm a strong girl. I am tough. I then walked out of the toilet after washing my face and went into class. I listened to the lecturer and quickly bolted to the toilet once again after the class. I couldn't handle the people looking at me when I went in the room. A couple of girls asked me if I'm alright when I was in the bathroom. There was one that asked me when I was waiting for the stall. She saw my face and she said,

"Excuse me, but are you alright?"

I nodded and forced a smile and rushed in the stall once it was opened. Once again, emotions flooded out and I felt so much more better. Then I went to level 6 to meet Pow and we all, I meant all of us including Pearly, Pow and Melissa pretended it didn't happen. My friends (those that doesn't know the situation) asked me what's wrong? I told them,

"Nah, my contacts are dry and I have flu,"

Apparently that little lie worked and Pearly and Pow didn't mention anything when I said that. We joked about Hooi's party and so on and carry on as if nothing happened. But I still feel pain inside. And while crying in the bathroom, I realised that I missed my sister alot. I felt kinda empty but my ego in me doesn't want to speak out. I wanted everything to go back the way it was. I then went to work at around 3pm until now. Ita listened to me and we chat about random stuff. She bought me Chatime which I felt really grateful. She said she felt something was wrong and she kinda guessed. When I arrived the store, a customer antam me and of course, I felt hurt. I shut my mouth and just smiled and nodded at the customer. I think that was when Ita noticed. I'm currently studying while working and I'm brainstorming over the stupid poster. Geez.

That's all for this post.
I'm going to continue studying as my marks are dropping due to the stupid quiz.
Till then.