#349 Moment of Depression

You can say goodbye when you found out that you're alone from the start.

I'm fucked up.
I'm not sure how many fucking time I've said that.
Maybe more than twice, I guess.
I get emotionally mixed up,
I get pissed off easily
And worst of all.
I tend to cry alot now a days.
Last time I was a stoner,
Crying was foreign to me yet it became familiar
Each passing time tears roll down my cheek.
I want it to be foreign again;
To not know the feelings of sadness and despair.
Yet I'm not strong as I thought I was.
Not as strong as before.
The will power to hold back the tears
And not let it spill even a small drop.

I'm getting weaker and weaker day by day,
A pathetic loser is what I'm becoming in to.
Nothing but self pitiness and negative thoughts.
Though I tried my best to not be emo today,
Yet when you're left alone most of the day,
Unwanted thoughts will swirl in your mind and such.
I tried to drown it down with rock songs
Blasting straight into my ear
Yet it was not loud enough for the voices that are
Constantly whispering in my ears were louder;
Were closer.

I'm really tired with all these kind of shit.
The life I wish to have I would never be able to grasp
Upon such wondrous life.
To top things up,
I have to stop my badminton sessions for around a month
And it kills me to do so.
I would  miss my awesome friend there.
Note the FRIEND (:
You know who you are, right?

I am a loner,
A stranger to this world,
A stranger to myself and everyone around me.
I tried to smile at myself every morning before I go to school,
Just to remind myself that I'm beautiful when I smile.
(Self boosting there)
And to start the day of with someone smiling at you is awesome.
No matter who the person is.
Apparently,
In all my life,
No one has ever smile at me first thing in the morning.
I am not exaggerating.
Serious shit here.

And I wonder.
Would people miss me if I suddenly went missing?
Or would they just ignore it?
What if I die of a sudden death?
Would people attend my funeral or would they just say,
"Good riddance!"
There I again,
Tears forming in my eyes when I think these kind of things.
I'm a troubled child,
A problematic kid.
An immature teenager.

I am sad, yes, I am sad, yes.
I am angry.
No.
Just allowing these unwanted thoughts flood in my mind.
Not even putting some effort in to stop 'em.

I am alright, I guess.
Just overwhelmed by my own thoughts.
Crying will not work.
Pissing off will not work.
I must do something about myself and stop
Self-loathing so much.
I should continue with my story since it will enable me to stop
Thinking unwanted thoughts.

Moment of depression here.
I'm sorry for my readers out there (if I have any)
To ruin your day for reading such a self pity post.
I am sorry,
I apologize.

A pathetic loser is what I am becoming in to.