Sunday, January 24, 2010

#64 Let Everything Out



She stayed in her bedroom,
Reading the text her...
Friend?
Had sent.

She felt like crying,
But she couldn't
Or wouldn't.
She felt that she was a sister to her.
A sister that would listens to her problem.

But somehow,
Something happened between them.
Dividing them.
Her friend,
A brown, petite girl with lovely brown eyes.
Has been happy after it happen.
But she herself,
Raven black hair that has been dyed a hint of brown.
Had filled with hatred and anger.
She's loosing all her friends,
Or rather friends she never had before.

She felt lonely.
Everyday she goes to school,
And she saw the angel,
The girl whom she envied.
She was shocked when she found out the truth about the angel.
She pitied her and took her in.
Like a stray dog.

Her heart was heavy.
So heavy that she couldn't lift it up.
Oh why did this happened?
She thought.
Is it all my fault?

The angel,
That doesn't want to be friend with her.
Took her in.
Out of kindness?
Felt pity for her?
Or simply because she want to get to know her?

She balled herself tighter into a small tight ball.
She wish she could just vanished form this world.
She'd rather die and suffer in Hell,
Than watch her 'friend' suffer right now.
She wanted to talk to her
Yet there isn't any cell in her body that wants to.

She's frustrated.
She isn't perfect like the angel.
But somehow,
She wish she is.
As time past,
The corner of her mouth doesn't seem to go upwards
But always stay down or even a tight line.

She has a choice to make.
And the deadline is tomorrow.
Why can't she come and talk to me?
Instead of me talking to her?
She knows that I hate making the first move.
I hate it alot.

She looked at the clock,
It read 12.30am.
She got up,
Went over to her bed and slept,
Holding her phone tightly in her hand
As though she's afraid that it would run away.
And all the messages the would be wipe out.

It was 6 am when she woke up.
Deadline is today.
She got dressed for school,
Ate her breakfast and left for school.

She arrived school in a few minutes time.
She saw the angel walking up the stairs.
She ran to catch up with her.
"Marissa,"
She called.
Marissa stopped and look at her,
She looked surprised.
"I'm sorry,"
And fell to Marissa's arms and started crying.
"I'm sorry,"
She muttered over and over again.
"It's alright, shh..."
Marissa said, soothing her hair.
"Everything is alright now, Kimberly,
You don't have to cry anymore,"

#63 Friend Or Fraud?



Please, I've gone through alot.
I've don't want things to go bad.
Thanks, ily,
I have a feeling I know who you are.

You've talked to me last night,
Asking me to explain myself.
Yes,
And I did.
And when I've found out
Why did you make friends with me in the first place.
Imagine,
If i told you,
I've made friends with you,
Just because I felt pity for you.

How the Hell do you think how I feel?
Because of the conversation last night,
It has left me wide awake.
The things I would do to make it better.

You just don't understand do you?
You said that I sound like I don't want it to be
Fucking better.
If I don't want it to be better,
WHY DID THE FUCK DO I BOTHER TO LET THESE
FUCKING THINGS IN MIND EVERYDAY!?

I'm sorry for exploding.
Somehow,
I think the world is against me.
I have not run out of things to say.
But if I say it out now,
You'll be hurt,
And that makes matters worst.

Okay,
Since I've known you,
I felt jealous of you.
Guys sworn you like ants over sugar.
Yes.
I've felt lonely.
I tried being in your convo with them,
But that was something I shouldn't have done.
It was useless.
You said you've cared for me.
You said I did not care for you.
THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!
I tried to make things better.

I even...
Ask Huiyee to ask Syann
Why didn't she invite you to her party.
I didn't want you to be left out!
And you call that not caring.
Yes,
I've a different way to prove it.

Oh puh-lese,
You said you known me better.
I'm the kind that doesn't say sorry.
The kind that doesn't forgive and forget.
Remember the incident when we're form one?
The one that Andrea did?
I still haven forgotten about it.
I still have hatred in her.
Maybe not as much as before,
But there is still.

You've said sorry a couple of times.
And suddenly,
You wanted to talk to me about this.
Don't you think it's a bit rush?
At least,
You have people around you
You could talk to.
Even if I have people to talk to,
It's not like I'll tell them everything.

My mom doesn't know the half of my life.
You've hurt me last year.
I don't know how,
But it went smoothly,
Better.

In spite of everything,
I felt stupid.
So stupid.
There are so many time how
I wish I could walk up to you
And started talking to you
Like everything is better.
But, I don't have the guts to do it.

Sometimes,
I even wondered,
Why do you really want to make friends with me?
Everyone despite me.
Isn't it better off without me?
Without the girl whom
Does nothing but make you angry,
Sad,
Or even pissed off.

You have so many people around you.
Why did you even bothered
To talk to me?
I'm such a bitch.
I'm pretty sure you'll hate me,
After reading this damn post.

Everything around me is stupid.
Everyday,
I came home from school.
No one to talk to.
I hide in my room all day,
Thinking why did this happen?

My cousin told me to not
Think too much about this.
But somehow,
I couldn't.
Not until I settle this fucking thing.

I want to save you,
I need you,
To save e too...

Saturday, January 23, 2010

#62 Dissapointed



I've been invited to two birthday parties.
Sue Jean's and Syann's.
I thought,
Oh, maybe I could go for both.
But in the end,
I didn't even go at all.
I'm rather pissed and dissapointed.
Right now,
Things have been very hard to understand lately.

But,
Whatever.

Pissed

#61 Super, Duper, Freaking High Walls



I'm wondering,
If it is alright if I could just walk away from things
And hope in vain that I don't have to face it again.

I tried being nice,
I tried tearing the walls down.
But,
The thing is,
I'm not sure if I'm doing it right.

Stress has kept on stabbing me over and over.
If it's not this,
It's that.

There are some times,
I felt nothing but sorrow,
I felt like I wanted to cry
But I told myself I don't have to.
Sometimes,
I wonder what's it like to be cold?
And I've became one without knowing.

The walls around me are still solid.
But, I can see cracks.
Maybe,
I can't hold on to much.
Maybe,
I'll start to break down.

You said I did not gave you a chance.
To me,
I felt that was a bull shit.
The field trip we went.
We made plans of going to every ride together.
But,
The plans were...
Ruin?

During the holidays,
I tried to forget the situation.
And I've started to make plans with you.
But,
Over the holidays,
It seems like we've lost contact.
I tried talking to you when school re-opens,
But the things kept replaying in my mind.

I tried to run away from it,
But I couldn't.
Yes,
I admit I tried to forget you.
Somehow,
It did work yet it made things...
Worst.

Every night,
Before I go to bed,
I asked myself,
What is going to happen tomorrow?
Will it be the same as everyday?

Or will it be different?

The heaviness in my heart could no longer...
I don't know?
Be light?

You've talked to me yesterday,
And yet,
Stubbornly,
I refuse to reply,
Knowing it'll hurt you more.

I tried controlling every single emotions in me.
But it seems I've lack of one.
Happiness.
My face might have a wide smile,
But my heart it crumbling.
It's like a very dry, dark stone right now.

I feel like there isn't any single drop of tear in me.
No matter how hard I tried to squeeze it out.
I've told myself,
I've cried so much last year,
I wouldn't want to repeat myself again.

But crying makes everything feel better.
Better than punching, kicking or even screaming.
There isn't anyone whom I can really talk too.
Yes,
I've talked to her,
But not all of it.

Everyday I've hoped that I'll forget that it happened.
But there is no such luck.
Yes,
I deliberately walked passed you without saying hi,
Or even give you a glance.
I pretended to drink my water.
It was mean,
But somehow,
I can't help it.

Just like I can't help
But smile when I see someone falls down.
I can't help it but smile when I see someone is in pain.
Maybe there isn't any sympathy in me.
Maybe I'm just a cold heartless freak.
I'm cut of from the world.
Every story has a happy ending,
I highly doubt I have one.

One word turns into a war
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down?
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield
Can't go back now

Both hands, tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for


There is no way out...
Is there?

Friday, January 22, 2010

#60 A Simple Yet Understanding[?] Letter



Dear You Know Who,
I've read and re-read your message for about five times now.
And frankly, I have nothing to say.
Somehow,
I think that something, somewhere around us has just changed.
I tried to put on a happy face where ever I go,
But the person I've always talked to,
Seems to know better than that.

Yes,
I do know that I've clam myself up.
I always do that when I want nothing to go wrong.
Please don't think that I don't want to talk to you.
But I felt like you have...
Replaced me so quickly.
When I'm feeling sad not to mention angry.

I've talked to Rittie on a fine day.
And after talking to her I felt...
Fine.
But somehow,
It didn't last long enough.

I want things to go back the ways it was.
Before you've met...
Him?

I felt cast aside,
Thrown out,
Pushed away.
I felt nothing but sadness,
Despair,
Angry,
Filled with hatred.

You said that I look very happy around other people.
That is utterly bullshit.
Yes, I may look happy.
But inside, I'm rotting with pain.
I tried forgetting everything,
But the thing is,
When ever I'm alone,
Which is often,
I'll think about it.

It's true I did not cry over it.
But instead, I got angry.
Very angry.
My mother has no sympathy over me.
She even said cruelly to me
That I'm already 16 and yet,
I have no friends around me.
Maybe what she said is right,
About every single Goddamn thing.

How often I wished things would be back the way they are.
If forgetting me makes you feel happy.
Go ahead.
I'll be fine...

Kimberly

#59 Left Out? Or Kicked Out?



I went to SueJean's house just now.
It was so nostalgic!
It's been what?
4 years?
Since I've talked to her!
I missed her so!

She has grown taller and more beautiful.
We chatted for a few hours
And I get to see her cute little brother, Matthew.
We talked about our lives.
And I feel very happy,
Cause I get to see her again.

Anyways,
Today recess,
I sat alone in a pondok thingy,
Near the usual table I used to sit.
It's because it was full.
Actually,
There is two more spaces
But I thought about Huiyee and Shum.
I'm pretty sure they'll buy food to eat.
Not only that,
I'm just holding a Tupperware,
So I could just stand and eat.
No biggy...
I guess...

I missed her so!

#58 So Long And Goodbye



She received a text from her friend.
Asking her to meet her at an alley nearby her house.
She might want to forgive me, she thought.
She told her mom that she was going out for a while,
Got into a cab drove off to the alley near her friend's house.

She was waiting for her.
It has just rained and she wore
Thick black clothes.
Black boots,
Black pants,
Black shirt and leather jacket.
She pulled out a pair of black gloves from her left back pocket.
Slipped into it and lean against the wall.
Her thoughts running through her head.

How could she do this to me? She thought, angrily.
After all I did to her?
She left me?

Leaving me all alone.

Is he THAT wonderful?

IS he worth it?

Worth to forget your friends?

To ignore them?


She put both her hands into her jacket pockets.
She's changed, she thought sadly.
She's changed alot.
So much until I don't know her!
Her fist balls tightly in her pockets.
But, no matter,
It'll soon be over.

She fumbled her pockets.
And finally found a cigarette.
She took out a match box and lighted her cigarette.
She then put the match box back into her pocket.
She took a deep breath of her cigarette,
Feeling calm after breathing out the smoke.
Soon, the cigarette has finished,
She threw the cigarette butt in a drain.
And placed her hands in her pockets.
She heard a car cruised by
And stopped a few feet away from the alley.
A girl in white dress got out of the yellow cab.
She smiled a rather evil smile
And waited for the white girl to approach her.

I wonder why did she pick this place?
This place to meet me? she thought as she got out of the cab.
She shivered due to the coldness in the night sky.
It's so dark,
Not even the moon light could show what lurking in there.

She walked towards the alley,
Not sure if she was there waiting for her.
Suddenly, out of the dark alley,
A dark figure appeared,
And the figure pulled down her hood to show herself.
She sighed with relieved,
And started walking towards her.

She looks like and angel, she thought with despised.
A fallen angel.
She even wore a white dress which suits her brown hair.
A fallen angel,
Which is going to meet her death.

She saw her,
Wearing everything black.
It's like the total opposite of me, she thought.
I have brown hair,
She has dark, raven hair.
She wore black and I wore white.
Total opposites.
"Hey," she said,her white dress fluttered around her.

"Hey," she said, while taking out her hands from her pockets.
"So what's up?"
She looked into her brown eyes,
Is she that naive?
"Nothing,"
She started to walk around the white angel,
Seizing her,
Looking for a vulnerable spot, a weak spot...
"Uh, you asked me to meet you?" she said,
Not feeling comfortable,
She felt like she was being observed,
Watched.

"Yes, I did."
She said and she took a step forward.
Her brown eyes was now filled with fear,
She was terrified, she realized.
That's good.

She felt the wall against her back.
I'm trapped!
She breathing became irregular.
What does she wants from me?
To frightened me?
I have to make her talk,
To allow me to have more time,
To think,
To escape.

"So, what do you want?"
She asked, trying to sound bold
But her voice came out, tiny.
Like a mouse, she thought.
She smiled when she heard her voice.
She put her left hand and on the wall.
"I want you to hear me out,"
She said softly.

"You, ruined my life,
Made me hate for who am i.
Like what my dear mother said before she died,
I'm already 16 and yet,
I don't have a friend in sight!"
She said, her voice dangerously low.

Anger flared up in her body.
"ME!? What does you not having friends have to do with me?"
She screamed.

She chuckled,
It's funny how an angel looked like when she gets angry.
She leaned close towards the angry angel.
Her right hand reached towards her right back pocket.
She then pulled out a pocket knife and covered it in her sleeve.

She looked at her dark eyes,
The eyes that has been filled with hatred,
Anger
And not a sight of happiness anywhere.

"Goodbye, Marissa,"
She said softly in Marissa's ears
And she turned the knife 180 degrees
And stabbed the knife into Marissa's stomach.
Marissa was caught off guard.
She felt a burning sensation in her.
She was terrified of blood and she felt cold all over.

"Eventually, an angel will die too,"
She then took the knife out and stabbed Marissa again.
Marissa started to see spots all over.
The moon, she thought,
That's the last thing I shall see tonight...
Or not...

Marissa looked into her eyes and saw pain
Instead of anger and hatred.
It is as though she is forced to kill her.
With all her strength,
She hold her by her leather jacket and pulled her towards her.
"I'm sorry and I forgive you.. Kimberly."
She whispered and those were her last words.
The last thing Marissa saw was Kimberly's wide eyes,
Eyes that are now filled with tears and guilt.
Then, she closed her eyes.. forever.

Kimberly was caught off guard when Marissa said those words.
"I'm sorry and I forgive you,"
Those words rang in her mind,
Over and over again.
She hold Marissa in her arms,
Then carefully lay her on the street.
Under the moonlight,
Marissa look so beautiful,
Her white dress gave out a glow,
Her hair falls carelessly on her face.

I need a smoke, Kimberly thought
And started to fumble her pockets.
She pulled out a cigarette,
My last one.
She lighted it and walked away from the dead angel.
Kimberly drew a deep breath and let out a puff of smoke.
She looked back and saw Marissa was bathe with moonlight.
I'm jealous, Kimberly realized.
I'm jealous of how she look,
How beautiful she is,
She's friendly,
Smart and funny.
I ended that with two deep stabs.

Kimberly chuckled.
The world is much more better without her.
Or is it?
Troubled, Kimberly walked back to her home.
Halfway there,
She stopped and thought about the good times she had with her.
Guilty tears rolled down her cheeks
While she pulled out her pocket knife.
"Goodbye world,"
And everything went black and dark.

Kimberly was born alone,
Died alone.
She shall be lonely..
Forever.

The end

Friday, January 15, 2010

#57 Anata Namida Wo Nuguu



Wipe away your tears
Anata Namida Wo Nuguu
あなたの涙をぬぐう

And smile through your sadness
Anata No Kanashimi Wo Kaishi Te , Bishō
あなたの悲しみを介して、微笑

Smile through your sadness

#56 Side Split



I told Ben that I'm going to post what happened today.
So as I promised him,
I shall do it now.

Today,
Ash asked Ben to join up for yellow house pompom.
She asked him if he can do some cartwheel thingy
And he said he can learn.

So I said,
Ben can you do a split?

Ben folded up his pants,
And started doing a split.
I sat facing him with my legs crossed.
Halfway through his split,
He kinda lost balance.
And fell towards me.

AND MY LEG KENA HIS.. UH.. THERE!

We started laughing like cow.
I felt grossed out
He felt exposed!

But,
It was very funny!

Laughing like cow.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

#55 Lazy



I told Ben I felt like blogging but I'm too lazy to do it.
So he suggested me to
Blog about me being lazy to blog.
Yes,
I feel very lazy right now.

I think I shall stop blogging.

Im a lazy person