#350 Kiss It All Better

Kiss it all better

I can only take so much.
I'm mentally  tired
And I think I'm going crazy.
My head feels like someone is squeezing it as hard as possible.
Like my brain is too big for my skull.
Like...
I'm having a massive headache.

So, Life's a pits right now.
I try very hard to be happy and all
An yet I still feel...
Like shit.

OH!
You know on Friday,
I think he thinks I'm funny.
Cause I was listening to my MP4 while writing some stuff,
The back of my body was leaning on the window wall thing
And I was on the way to pull down my hoodie
When I saw him looking at me.
And so I smiled and I puled down my hoodie.
I sneak a peek at him and saw him laughing.

And I smiled secretly to myself.

#349 Moment of Depression

You can say goodbye when you found out that you're alone from the start.

I'm fucked up.
I'm not sure how many fucking time I've said that.
Maybe more than twice, I guess.
I get emotionally mixed up,
I get pissed off easily
And worst of all.
I tend to cry alot now a days.
Last time I was a stoner,
Crying was foreign to me yet it became familiar
Each passing time tears roll down my cheek.
I want it to be foreign again;
To not know the feelings of sadness and despair.
Yet I'm not strong as I thought I was.
Not as strong as before.
The will power to hold back the tears
And not let it spill even a small drop.

I'm getting weaker and weaker day by day,
A pathetic loser is what I'm becoming in to.
Nothing but self pitiness and negative thoughts.
Though I tried my best to not be emo today,
Yet when you're left alone most of the day,
Unwanted thoughts will swirl in your mind and such.
I tried to drown it down with rock songs
Blasting straight into my ear
Yet it was not loud enough for the voices that are
Constantly whispering in my ears were louder;
Were closer.

I'm really tired with all these kind of shit.
The life I wish to have I would never be able to grasp
Upon such wondrous life.
To top things up,
I have to stop my badminton sessions for around a month
And it kills me to do so.
I would  miss my awesome friend there.
Note the FRIEND (:
You know who you are, right?

I am a loner,
A stranger to this world,
A stranger to myself and everyone around me.
I tried to smile at myself every morning before I go to school,
Just to remind myself that I'm beautiful when I smile.
(Self boosting there)
And to start the day of with someone smiling at you is awesome.
No matter who the person is.
Apparently,
In all my life,
No one has ever smile at me first thing in the morning.
I am not exaggerating.
Serious shit here.

And I wonder.
Would people miss me if I suddenly went missing?
Or would they just ignore it?
What if I die of a sudden death?
Would people attend my funeral or would they just say,
"Good riddance!"
There I again,
Tears forming in my eyes when I think these kind of things.
I'm a troubled child,
A problematic kid.
An immature teenager.

I am sad, yes, I am sad, yes.
I am angry.
No.
Just allowing these unwanted thoughts flood in my mind.
Not even putting some effort in to stop 'em.

I am alright, I guess.
Just overwhelmed by my own thoughts.
Crying will not work.
Pissing off will not work.
I must do something about myself and stop
Self-loathing so much.
I should continue with my story since it will enable me to stop
Thinking unwanted thoughts.

Moment of depression here.
I'm sorry for my readers out there (if I have any)
To ruin your day for reading such a self pity post.
I am sorry,
I apologize.

A pathetic loser is what I am becoming in to.

#348 Talk

It was around 11 just now

And Jean IM-ed me on Facebook,

Asking me if I could go over 

Cause she needs someone to talk too.

And I persuaded my mom and she finally agreed.

Sitting opposite her,

Able to listen to her problems made me realize

I'm not only the one at lost right now,

I'm not alone, I guess.

Yet her problems are far different from mine.

Her's is about love where else mine is about friends.

Still.

Her world and mine are like totally different

Yet somehow,

We are able to make ends meet and talk about things.

Life took an unexpected twist there.

With that, 

I'm glad we had some girly chat time (:
Will blog about it some other time.

It's almost 12.40am and I have school tomorrow.

(Yay me.)

KDU is going to school tomorrow

And I will try my very hardest to not blow up

Or go emo or left out and all those kind of stuff (:
I'm am a strong girl

And I will be a stronger person as life moves on.

I'm not afraid to change anymore.

#347 Results

So, I've bought a headphones yesterday at One Utama.
It's called material and it's quite cheap (:

Well, I got back my results
And it was all unexpected.
I thought I did well in all my subs
Excluding history
And in the end I had bad results.
I'm a loser.
And I don't think I am able to survive in this world.

Loser

#346 Spider?

Nothing much happened yesterday.
I'm just feeling extremely tired, that's all.
SPM's coming closer and closer every single minute
And I still feel so relax.
I need to buck up and kick start my studies
Before I regret.
Maybe I'll start tomorrow (:

SPIDEY! ♥

#345 Nimbus

A luminous halo was present around the moon.

A few nights ago,
I came back from Bukit Jelutong around 12am
And a good habit of mine,
I looked up to the sky
And what I saw took my breath away from my mouth.

A nimbus was formed in the dark night.
A thin white ring surrounds a pale white moon.
It was not in the afternoon but it was at night.
Apparently,
My camera isn't that great.
It was unable to take such a beautiful sight.
I stood there like a moron,
My head facing towards the beautiful night sky,
Watching quietly at the nimbus.
About 2 or 3 feet away,
A bright star stood quietly outside the nimbus.
It may be small yet it shone beautifully.
Thus, this wonderful sight has drawn me closer to
Mother Nature;
To the night sky.

One day,
When i grow up and I have tons of cash,
I would buy myself a DSLR,
Travel around the world and take beautiful picture.
I'm thinking of taking either Law or Journalism
For college next year.
Law is because I have a passion for it
Yet Journalism allows me to travel.
I am torn between these two.

I'm going back to school tomorrow
After 5 days of holidays.
Woe me.
I hate school.
High school life is never for me
And I'll shit ass happy to get out from school.
But right now,
I need to focus on my studies and studies only.
I need to buck up on my perdagangan and add maths.
Go, Kim, you know you can do it (:
When there's a will, there's a way.
Oh right,
I have to get back my results tomorrow.
OH shyt.
I'm pretty sure I did better this time around.
After all,
Teachers have been telling me that I've improve alot.
I hope so, I really do.

I stood there like a moron.

#344 Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

Ever wish that you are able to breach from your skin?
Your skin that is holding you,
Holding you down to Earth when you're lighter than feather
Maybe as light as Light itself.

Just to float around the void
And into space makes me feel...
Peaceful..


Light itself.

#343 Vindicated

Stay up till Four In The Morning and the tears are pouring

Yeap, I woke up at around 4 in the morning.
My mind couldn't stop whirling
Even if I went to sleep.
I've been thinking,
Hey.
You know what?
Who needs friends like you?
To torment and to hurt others?
People like you are the most fucked up ones.
You should get your fucked up mind checked (:

Anyways,
I've been neglecting my studies and
Listening to music.
Instead, to give it all to watching vids.
Not that I hate videos,
But I feel bad for not touching my mp4
For these few days.

I am who I am
And I will not change myself just to please others.
If I have to change,
Whom will I be then?
I can't please everyone
And not everyone can please me.

I'm tired of trying to please people.
After all,
Why should I?
When they don't actually appreciate the stuff I did?
Not even a good job or way to go, Kim.
Or maybe, you're the best.
Nope.
Nuh uh.
Zip.
None.

When I found out my friends haven tried macaroons,
I purposely went out of my way to buy for them to munch on.
One is already expensive,
I bought 6.
6 freaking macaroons.
Each is like what?
3.30!?
I regret spending cash on you guys.
I even bought a freaking stupid angry bird plush toy
And all you guys did was make fun of it.
I may smile but girl,
I'm hurt.
Screw you all.

Emotions mixed up now. (:
Fuck the world and fuck all the
Idiotic,life ruiners in it (:

Have a nice morning and don't let me ruin
Your whatever happy mood you have this morning (:

Justify my act, please?

#342 Mom

妈妈，如果你正在读我的博客
我想你知道我的生活是多么艰难和坚韧。
你说得对，
不仅你，但地狱的人很多是正确的;
我不能远离这样的情况下运行。
他们刚回来，缠着我。
也许是我没有在我过去的生活等许多错误的东西。
也许这就是我的生命吮吸整个之所以如此糟糕
眼下。

妈妈，
我知道我应该学习的权利
但我觉得郁闷。
你知道，如果你更多的了解
少naggy少过早下结论，
我会告诉你一切。
一切。

我知道你表现出你的爱
以不同的方式。
谢谢你，妈妈。
对于这一切。
但你不能责怪我正在生气倍。
我人类，就像你太。


我爱你，妈妈。
原谅我的错。

ママ、あなたは私のブログを読んでいる場合、
私はあなたが私の人生がいかに難しいかと厳しいです知っていると思います。
あなたは、正しかった
だけでなく、あなたが、人々の地獄の多くは右だった;
私はこのような状況から逃げ出すことはできない。
彼らは戻って来ると私に出没します。
多分私は私の過去の人生とそのように多くの間違ったことをしました。
多分それは私の人生はそう悪い吸う理由全体の理由です
今のところ。

ママ、
私は今勉強する必要があります知っている
しかし、私はに落ち込んに感じる。
あなたがより理解されたかどうかを知っておく
とあまり怒りっぽいと少なく結論に飛びつく、
私はあなたにすべてを知らされます。
すべて。

私はあなたの愛を見せている知っている
別の方法で。
、お母さん、ありがとう。
そのすべてのために。
しかし、あなたは常にから怒られているために私を責めることはできない。
あなたものと同じように私は人間。


私はお母さん、あなたを愛して。
と私の過ちのために私を許す。

Mama, anata wa watashi no burogu o yonde iru baai, Watashi wa anata ga watashi no jinsei ga ikani muzukashii ka to kibishiidesu shitte iru to omoimasu. Anata wa, tadashikatta Dakedenaku, anata ga, hitobito no jigoku no ōku wa migidatta; Watashi wa kono yōna jōkyō kara nigedasu koto wa dekinai. Karera wa modotte kuruto watashi ni shutsubotsu shimasu. Tabun watashi wa watashi no kako no jinsei to sono yō ni ōku no machigatta koto o shimashita. Tabun sore wa watashi no jinsei wa sō warui suu riyū zentai no riyūdesu Ima no tokoro. Mama, Watashi wa kon benkyō suru hitsuyō ga arimasu shitte iru Shikashi, watashi wa ni ochikon ni kanjiru. Anata ga yori rikai sa reta ka dō ka o shitte oku To amari ikari ppoi to sukunaku ketsuron ni tobitsuku, Watashi wa anata ni subete o shirasa remasu. Subete. Watashi wa anata no ai o misete iru shitte iru Betsu no hōhō de. , Okāsan, arigatō. Sono subete no tame ni. Shikashi, anata wa tsuneni kara okora rete iru tame ni watashi o semeru koto wa dekinai. Anata mono to onaji yō ni watashi wa ningen. Watashi wa okāsan, anata o aishite. To watashi no ayamachi no tame ni watashi o yurusu.

Mom, if you're reading my blog,

I would like you to know how hard and tough my life is.

You were right,

Not only you but a hell lot of people were right;

I cannot run away from situations like these.

They will just come back and haunt me.

Maybe I did many wrong things in my past life and such.

Maybe that's the whole reason why my life sucks so bad

Right now.

Mom,

I know I should be studying right now

But I feel to depressed to.

You know if you were more understanding

And less naggy and less jumping to conclusions,

I would have told you everything.

Everything.

I know you're showing your love 

In a different way.

Thank you, mom.

For all of that.

But you cannot blame me for being pissed of at times.

I human just as you are too.

I love you, mom.

And forgive me for my wrongs.

Thank you.

#341 I Will Be Strong

I'm fucked up.
Everyone around me is fucked up.

I feel bad for your mom to have a kid like you,
To waste all her hardworking money on someone like you.
After all, 
You don't even study.
The reason why you can't excel in your exams is because
You spent all your fucking time talking bad about others.
Fuck you.
One day,
When Fate allows,
I will be your fucking boss and I will torment you, ass hole.
You just wait and see, bastard.
You will fucking regret it.

I'm pretty sure you're wondering why and I writing this.
Well,
It happened yesterday (11012011),
I felt like a third wheel with my friends.
Nothing but a dog following them.
Listening to their conversations
And not being part of it.
There are times I tried to
But I have no clue what the are saying.
So, instead,
I walk either behind or in front of them.
Nut never beside them.
I felt so depressed even though I shouldn't be.
It sucks you know?
And my emotions were mixed up,
Some stupid Face Problem ass hole insulted me.
Like what the hell?
So I stare at him
And he said,
What? Never seen a handsome guy before?
I snorted and said,
You wish.

He got so pissy and all girl like,
He told his friends.
I didn't know at first cause I was listening to my mp4,
Trying to block all the thoughts in my head
Until I made a mistake.
I took off my earphones cause teacher walked in.
I heard them talked.
I heard him told the rest of his 'crew'
And they all started to insult me
And they called me names and such.
I had to admit,
I went to the toilet and I cried there for quite a while.
I gradually calmed down and all.
Went to the library and calmed down.
Had lunch later and went back to class for my exam.

Halfway through,
I found out someone pulled the stickers out
From my calculater.

How fucking pissy and childish these guys are!?
They are guys for God sakes!
What the fucking hell!?
Even girls that are bitches will not stoop so low.
Fucking low faggots.

I'm sorry I'm swearing and all,
But I'm releasing some stress.
Who can I talk to when I'm at school?
The hard squeeze in my heart makes me want to
Scream out loud,
To jump fucking scream.
But I had to hold back my scream.
I had to hold back damn alot of things.

Finally when I'm able to go for badminton,
I was able to release my stress.
Both badminton and my awesome friend, Yi Ling
Are there for me (lol).
She was the only one who listen to my whines
And complaints.
She helped me with all the problems I go through.
And she's only a year younger than me.
This proves that age doesn't not matter
When you're making friends.

Well, I'm calm now.
I will not be sentimental
And I will be strong.

I will not be sentimental
And I will be strong.

I will not be sentimental
And i will be strong.

I will not hold on to this hatred
And move on with life.

If I can help it.

#340 Big Bad Wolf Sale

I'm such a poser with eye bags.
My sleeping time is officially fucked up.
I stay awake all night long
And sleeps in the afternoon like a pig;
Totally oblivious to the world.
In fact, it's almost 3.30am and I have yet to bathe.
I know I'm weird but what can I do?

The constant dreaming began to haunt me.
I stare into space and all my dreams
I began to envy.

Von told me that the Big Bad Wolf Sales are in.
It's like once in a freaking few years (that's what I've been told)
And a book reader such as I, fails to go.
Life can really be sucky, don't you think?
The best part is that my sister is going.
And she's not really a book crazed girl.

Fuck it

#339 Social

By know I should have known what a hypocrite I am.

I called other people naive for not knowing the real world

Yet here I am,

Being the naive one.

Deep down I knew I'm the one.

This few weeks just passed 

And it dawned to me that I'm someone

Whom is hard to talk too

And there isn't any topic to talk to me.

Really.

It's like after a word or two,

Then everything will go awkward

And I'm left standing there,

Like a freaking stupid girl.

A retardo,

Just staring and observing others talk.

Listen to other people's conversation and

Wondering when will I be able to talk like others too.

Don't get me wrong,

I love to talk.

Talking always makes me happy.

Complaints or dissing are fine to me

As long as I get to freaking talk to other people.

I'm living in my own world right now.

Where I study at night until 2-3am

While watching people upload the games they play on youtube.

Not really liking facebook as much as I did last time

'Cause I know that I have no one to talk too

And it depressed me so.

So, why do I want to waste my energy on that

When I can listen to music and watch other people 

Play games and laughing at the stupid comments they make

While playing.

No.

I'm not depressed or such.

I'm not sulking in my own room.

I'm not staring at my handphone,

Wondering whom should I talk too.

Nope.

I'm alright.

I'm not lying to myself.

I really am feeling alright.

Just a tinge of sadness that dwells within my soul.

I'm alright, see?

#338 Who Will?

I'm not lying.

I'm lying (:

#337 Towards The Light

So, I'm staying home to study today.
Mainly because I don't have exams toady.

Slept at 4 in the morning and woke up at 7.30am.
I love my sleeping time (:
I'm a freaking bat!
Anyways,
Went to have breakfast at McD with my sister and
She went off to work.
Yummy.

I feel so bad for not studying right now
But what the heck?
I don't feel like studying in the morning.
After all,
I'm a night person (:

Shit.
I totally forgotten what I wanted to type.
Stupid forgetful brain!
That's why I can't freaking pass my exams.

I'm a freak.

That was random but true.
My friend told me I've been poisoning
Myself with the 'I'm not perfect' disease.
I try very hard to cure myself
Yet I kept on looking at my imperfections
And other's perfections.
I can't help but to think,
Hey, why can't I be like that?

I can't believe I was emo-ing just now.
So freaking random.

I'm a freak