#496 On The Picket Fence, Into The Depths

what did i do wrong?

the amount of time ive spent,
the effort that ive pushed forth.
wasted.

basically,
i graduated with a pass;
a third class honors and because of that,
i am unable to further my progress.
i am unable to proceed to apply for the exam
in order for me to possess a license to practice in court.

i am stuck.
try as i might,
no matter how hard i claw my way out,
no matter how many breaths i take,
it all seem futile.
which then brings me the question:
why bother?

the path that ive edged and forged my way through
came to a stop.
a dead end.

for so many months,
ive been trying to keep myself busy.
looking for part time jobs and so on.
however,
the question stays:
why bother?

i then told myself,
atleast i get a little income and i am able to gain experience.
the question once again arise:
why bother?

why do should i bother putting myself into that position?
the position that i am unable to reach no matter how hard ive tried?
no matter how hard ive jumped and clawed my way to the top?
that position is unreachable thanks to the one thing that is holding me down:
my degree;
that heavy weight that is not only on my shoulders but around my ankles,
the weight that refuses to left me lift my fingers nor my confidence,
the weight that stops me from being happy.

oh kim, you should be happy!
youve graduated with a degree and that is something!

NO!
its not!
what is the point of me trying to strive forward
when i am unable to do the thing i look forward to since my teenage years?
it is like asking a fisherman to go out to the stormy seas
with nothing but a boat.
no fishing rod,
no fishing net,
no nothing.

why dont you just try to find a different profession?

it is really easy for you to say as it does not apply to you.
i built my life around this goal i had since i was 15,
and yet,
the result is that i am not worthy to progress on.

i am not worthy.
a failure,
if you will.

it is not enough that my confidence have been constantly pushed down
by others commenting of how fat i am,
but to be pushed even further down to find out that
i failed in life?

on the bright side,
ive already applied to the NCA for me to be able to progress in Canada.
if only.

im laughing at myself.
bright side.
what fucking bright side is that?
to be waiting anxiously for the result?

why dont you just kiss my rotten hand and pull the fucking plug already?

fuck me.

#495 Cruel

everything i mention in this post is based on my opinion;
no point getting your panties wet over my opinions.

honestly speaking,
i think kids are one of the most cruellest human beings ever.

before getting your panties wet or your nipples twisted,
hear me out:
the other day,
my nephew told me point blank in the face that i am fat.

oh no!
i am being really sensitive once again!

it basically hurt my feelings alot as it is so direct.
whereas if an adult were to tell me that,
i will just brush it away and disregard their comments on my body.
however,
what kids tell you straight in the face is just brutal honesty.
without any disregard of your emotions as kids dont know how to tell you properly.
ill give you an example:

mommy, look! why does that lady just sit by the road side asking for money?
she has all of her limbs and she is capable to function properly,
so why is she being so lazy to not work?
why must she beg for money or food?

"you mustn't be lazy then or youll end up by the roadside,
begging for money and not contribute to society."

here are my thoughts:
on the outlook,
it may seem as though the lady was being "lazy"
but what if she has a mental disability?
what if she has a criminal record of theft
and she has served her sentence?
what if she spend 6 months in jail,
serving her wrongdoing?
within that short amount of time,
she might have lost her family members (if she has them)
or she was unable to find a tenant that allows her to rent a place and start over?
what if, am i right?

though it dented my feelings as well as my fucking confidence
(or what is left of it),
i just smiled and walked away.
what else can i do?
yell back at the kid?
that seems childish of me to do so.

after what my nephew commented about me,
my niece asked my aunt the same question.

why is auntie kimberly fat?

i heard it even though she sat across the table.
and as soon as those words left her lips and disappeared into the thin air,
so did my confidence.
so did my reassurance.
my temporary happiness.
what remained was self - conscious,
doubt,
despair,
depression.
what came after was anger,
dark clouds that loomed in front of my some-what bright blue sky,
dark grey sky which eventually became a downpour.

it aint funny nor fucking cute.

oh, kim, she is just a kid. 
you should not take regard of what a kid said.
they will say anything that comes into mind!

exactly.

which means they are just telling or asking what they see.
which in return,
makes it worst.

i then teared up.
not because of the innocent yet hurtful comment that i had recieved from her
but rather the fact that people tend to comment on my body.

kim, you fat already.
kim, you've gained weight.
kim, you should cut back on what you eat.
kim, you should watch your food intake.
kim.
kim.
kim.
kim.
fat.
fat.
fat.
fat.
fat.
fat.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

it basically crushed my confidence,
as i hear it every day,
continuously.

i get it!
i aint thin!
i aint sexy nor am i hot!
i get it!
im not as pretty as others!
i understand!
enough!
stop it!
just stop it!
please.
stop.

#494 I Miss You

i had a dream about you two nights ago and it was so hurtful as well as heartwrenching.

you were with your friends and you looked so much happier than you were with us.

you and your friends were lazing around; basking yourself under the warm sun. 

you then saw me and ran towards me then ran back to your friends before i was even able to hug you.

i understand that you were trying to tell me that you are happier now, that you had friends to play with you and not neglect you like i did when you were here.

for that, 

im sorry. 

im sorry that i lost my temper at you for behaving so playful.

im sorry that i was impatient towards you whenever i had to take you out for a walk.

i was being selfish to the point where i grumble.

it was never a chore, it was for you to explore the world as well as to stretch your legs and yet i constantly held you back and yanking you whenever you made a stop to sniff the flowers.

but at the same time, i was the one that talked to you and embraced you whenever i came home; regardless of my allegies. 

i showered you; not only to keep you clean but with tons of love as well.

i am hurt that you left without waiting for me.

but for you to wait for me is also hard, isnt it?

you were already suffering and once again, i was the one that wants to hold you back.

i just want to say my goodbye before you leave.

maybe you were waiting for me.

maybe you were wondering where i went.

maybe you were hoping i come back before you leave.

ive let you down.

in my dream,

you finally came to me and i laid down on the tummy of your friend and you snuggled me.

i was so happy that my allergies did not break out to the point where i placed me face in your body.

i am sorry as well,

in the dream before that,

i remember i was trying to shoo you away.

in my defence,

i didnt want to hold you back anymore.

i was scared that you thought i didnt want you anymore.

but it hurt me so much.

and in that process, 

ive hurt you.

im sorry.

thank you though,

for coming back to me once again

to say a proper goodbye and for me to hug you again.

-

i woke up with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face.

my heart felt lighter and my soul felt lightweighted as well.

thank you,

jerry.

i will always love you and i am once again, sorry for not being there when you needed me most.

rest in peace,

my favorite berry. [130402-130616]

part of me hope to see you again, part of me wants you to move on.

im learning to move on as well.

dont let my tears stop you, okay?