#481 Snapped

I'm just going straight to the point.
I cried in college today.

Maybe I'll just start at the beginning.

Thursday (200912)
I had a fight with my parents regarding dinner. It was silly actually but I didn't want to go because I haven finish my project for the next day. Honestly la, I cried because I felt so much is weighing heavily on my shoulders and I couldn't wait until everything was over. I exchanged harsh and painful words with my mother, hurting her more than intended.

Friday (210912)
I apologized to both my parents eventhough my ego was sky high. I've talked to my lecturer about the situation at home and finally, I gave in and apologized. I still haven talked to my sister and I didn't like it. Not one bit. After coming home from college, I had to rush to get ready to go to the airport to send my sister off to UK. But halfway there, my mom realised my sister forgotten to bring her documents and we had to jam all the way home and back. Didn't make it. Still did not talk.'

Saturday (220912)
I went for work at 10am until 7pm. My sister has flown to UK and I went to party at my friend's house, Hooi. It was awesome as I consumed alot of alcohol and went all crazy and stuff. Honestly, I've never had so much fun in my whole life with my friends and I realised there and then; maybe it's fated that I have awful friends last time so now I could cheish the ones I have now. Loo drove me home with his awesome Volkswagon Polo (so excited) and he lectured me about road safety.

Sunday (230912)
I couldn't remember anything when I woke up but it all came to me after showering. Got ready to go for driving practice and got scolded by the uncle over a small thing. Came home, took a shower and got ready to work from 12pm to 10pm. Ita and I had lots of fun talking to each other and so on.

Monday (240911)
I woke up early that day due to driving test. I was so nervous and I didn't get enough rest the night before. But I calmed down and made friends with a girl and we chatted about alot of silly stuff. We were there since 9.30 until 5pm. It was tiring and nerve-wrecking. But after the whole thing, I felt so light and happy. I went home with the happy news and slept. I woke up ay 7.30pm to have dinner, went to the market to change my shirt size and came home to continue with my poster. Sadly, the boss rejected my idea saying that 'there is not enough omph in it'. I felt pressured and stressed as I have done this project for quite a while. I've been wasting my time searching for the perfect background and photoshopped the whole thing in yet it was rejected. I've been redoing this for so many times that I felt I've lost hope.

Tuesday (250312/today)
I went to college, feeling happy and light eventhough I did not study for my quiz. It turned out there was homework on Monday and I did not know about due to my whole day at the driving test. My lecturer scolded me and she said this particular sentence that really hurt me,

"If I were your mother, I would nag and scold you everyday too,"

The reason why I felt hurt is because I've trusted her and told her my situation at home yet she used it to back fire me. I couldn't contain my emotions and silently sobbed during the whole quiz. Right after the quiz ended, I got up and rushed towards the bathroom where I started to cry and cry. I was relief that the bathroom was rather noisy so people couldn't really hear my sobs. And negative thoughts started to flood in my mind like, yes, I'm not as good as Jie Jie, my academy sucks, I'm worthless and so on. The more I thought about it, the sadder I became. Thoughts such as suicide started to flood in and I imagined so many death scenes of me. After I've calmed down which was about an hour later, I realised that dying isn't going to help me. I'm a strong girl. I am tough. I then walked out of the toilet after washing my face and went into class. I listened to the lecturer and quickly bolted to the toilet once again after the class. I couldn't handle the people looking at me when I went in the room. A couple of girls asked me if I'm alright when I was in the bathroom. There was one that asked me when I was waiting for the stall. She saw my face and she said,

"Excuse me, but are you alright?"

I nodded and forced a smile and rushed in the stall once it was opened. Once again, emotions flooded out and I felt so much more better. Then I went to level 6 to meet Pow and we all, I meant all of us including Pearly, Pow and Melissa pretended it didn't happen. My friends (those that doesn't know the situation) asked me what's wrong? I told them,

"Nah, my contacts are dry and I have flu,"

Apparently that little lie worked and Pearly and Pow didn't mention anything when I said that. We joked about Hooi's party and so on and carry on as if nothing happened. But I still feel pain inside. And while crying in the bathroom, I realised that I missed my sister alot. I felt kinda empty but my ego in me doesn't want to speak out. I wanted everything to go back the way it was. I then went to work at around 3pm until now. Ita listened to me and we chat about random stuff. She bought me Chatime which I felt really grateful. She said she felt something was wrong and she kinda guessed. When I arrived the store, a customer antam me and of course, I felt hurt. I shut my mouth and just smiled and nodded at the customer. I think that was when Ita noticed. I'm currently studying while working and I'm brainstorming over the stupid poster. Geez.

That's all for this post.
I'm going to continue studying as my marks are dropping due to the stupid quiz.
Till then.

#480 Happening

140912,
I went to Atiqah's farewell party.
At first, it was a little awkward
But then everyone warmed up and yeah (:
I didn't eat because I didn't have the appetite
And I felt tired.
We started taking super lala pictures and it was funny. (:

#4.

LOL.

Yes, I took it with the guys

Which was fun.

My friends laugh at my poses and I laughed at the same time.

Honestly, it's been a while since I had loads of fun!

Later on,

We all went to Publika to shisha.

I missed the feeling and when I started,

The familiar feeling spurge me and I felt at home,

Comfortable with my friends around me.

On 150912,

I went to watch Resident Evil with my family

And Resident Evil has never let me down!
Not once!

Though I was freezing my ass off

But damn,

The action,

The excitement made me forget the cold

And I was at the edge of my sit.

Halfway through the movie,

I noticed I was shivering.

Like non-stop kind of shiver.

I would like to go for another round for that movie.

I'm a resident evil fan! :D

Familiar characters surfaced in the movie

From the anime to the very first movie.

Geez, I wanna watch that movie again.

My life is so happening now

And I feel happy and content.

#479 Changed

2nd sem started like 3 months ago
And everyone has begun to show their true colors.
I've been insulted constantly and yes, it hurts
But I just have to let it slide, right?

But coming from you hurts like shit.
You snapped at me and you're becoming arrogant.
I am not the only one who actually thought about it.
You've changed.

I can't say anything about it 'cause it might hurt you
As I know it'll hurt me.
You look down on me
'Cause your result is much better than you;
You think that just because you have good marks
In the first sem doesn't mean that you can look down on me,
Look down on all of us.
I know things you don't know
And you think I don't know just because you don't know.

I've acknowledge you
But do you acknowledge me?
Results isn't everything, you know.

I know it's tiring to drive to college everyday
But you don't have to snap at me when I ask you why are you tired.
I was being concern and curious.
Your assignments aren't piled as high as mine.
I have to edit the super last minute video we did;
I have to draw the diagram when it's supposed to be a group project;
I have homework to do
And I managed to do all of that every night.
It's natural for me to feel tired but you don't have to be so harsh on me.
I did my homework yet you go to college and start doing it.
Are you mad at me for catching up?
Are you mad at me for doing my homework and stuff?

I just want to improve as I can see my grades dropping
And I want to up 'em.
I'm feeling kind of tired to be looked down upon.
So please,
Don't be mad at me for trying to improve my grades.

As for driving me to college?
It'll all end soon as I'll be moving in a couple of weeks
Plus, I'm going to take my driving exam soon.

But even if I don't sit your car,
You'll still be driving to college.
There is no running away from that.

I'm worried about your attitude
Because people started talking to me about it.

And on that topic,
I wonder if anyone has talked about my bad behind my back.
Hmmm.
I'll never know unless someone tells me straight up front.
I hope I don't offend anyone.
I must becareful of my words.
Not to mention,
Don't get too close with anyone
For there are betrayals lurking around every corner.

Let it go. 
Let it go.

Don't be mad at me for trying to improve my grades.