but for the past few months i've been...
upset.
i don't know if depressed is the word
as my problems aren't that huge.
i've been spending quite some time thinking and trying to keep myself busy.
firstly,
i'd like to get this off my chest as it has been bothering me the most:
i've met up with one of my cousin yesterday [010317]
regarding a job.
when i met her,
i was nervous as fuck.
i was sweating balls.
i then handed her my cv and the first thing she told me was:
"i'm not looking for part-timers. i'm only looking for those who would want to succeed in life."
it then hit me;
making me think that i'm not good enough and stuff like that.
we continue talking and the more we talked,
the more i feel like a complete idiot.
the constant question that lingered in my mind was
why did i sign myself up for this?
the way she talked to me it's as though she was hesitant to take me in,
like she doesn't think that i am suitable for the job.
it is bad enough that i don't think i am suitable but there is no need to put me down.
the more i think about it,
the more doubtful i felt.
like my self-worth is nothing at all.
that night,
i came across this video regarding about depression
and it hit me real hard in the chest.
that night,
i didn't sleep properly as my mind was constantly on the topic.
it then brought me to wonder;
am i depressed?
🗲
"i tend to assume that i am 100 times worst than everyone else. it's kind of a depression anxiety thing, i guess."
"i totally get it, like i know people, i've had my had moments. it just hard to conceptualise for someone who has it worst. but, i want to try, atleast."
"yeah, i get it. there needs a whole conceptualise word for the whole anxiety, doubt, self - sabotage ball of wax. when you're talking about depression, there is not a whole lot of point to do anything because everything is so shitty and you can't stop telling yourself that even though you know that is not true. it's not true! like it's not! but you just want to believe for whatever reason..."
"it's not true! you've been apologising for standard things!"
"i know! like an obligatory to apologise for apologising. you can at least take it a compliment that am so afraid of losing this that i am generally anxious around you."
🗲
"i love metaphors actually. in comics, there are a lot of depression that i can relate. that one thing where depression is like a broken hand where people just keeps telling you to get over."
"yeah, i've seen that. oh, just man up! because that's a thing."
"oh, i know! i actually have my own metaphors for depression. it's like this thing were... did you ever watch the show x-files? i actually didn't. but back in the old days, i did that thing where you randomly watched a show where you've never seen it and then like 2 years later, you randomly decide to watch it again and you changed the channel -"
"and it's the same episode?"
"yes! so yeah, i've watched the same episode twice! it's the episode where x-files and lady x-files were trapped in the fungus thing and it makes them hallucinate where they can't tell if they were dreaming or they were in reality; it keeps tricking them into thinking that they have escaped but they are still trapped and that is kind of the basis of my metaphor. it is this thing where you keep slipping into the reality, you don't notice it until it is too late."
"oh, it is this thing where you're just telling yourself that you suck even though you don't. even though you know it is not your real voice saying that!"
"yeah! but it's not like you're in a fungus though. it's like you're sitting in your living room and you're just talking to someone about your problems and it is just laying into you about how shitty you are and you're kind of nodding along and when you looked up, you realised that you've been talking to Depression Guy. you were just sitting in your living room, reading and this horrible guy snuck into your room and just sat down and saying shit to you. it took you two days to notice it and now you're just sad for weeks."
🗲
"Depression Guy is dressed subtly like he belongs there. he blends in so you don't see it coming and then suddenly, he comes and annihilates your self-esteem before you can remember that it keeps happening! it's kind of how i see it anyways. i swear to God that depression is an outside entity that keeps making you forget reality because intellectually, i do know that i am alright, that i am good and kind to everyone. it just a total asshole that keeps sneaking in, ruining your life and you're trap. and then, suddenly, it has been a week since i've left the house and the cycle continues."
"yeah, it makes me understand Depression Guy more."
🗲
"i was just trying to let others understand the whole depression thing."
"there are different kinds of depression though."
"i just... trying to conceptualise my own situation. but other people just have terrible medical things that caused it or if they have issued even from childhood."
"exactly, that's why metaphors are so juvenile. whatever your good intentions, people are going to assume that you are speaking for everyone."
"you're right."
"what's the difference between a mission and ignorance? people these days tend to search for easy answers, convenient little blurbs that can explain a huge complex issues and you're just doing that. you should have put that in your social media; how you are kind of self absorb and naive, how you're really immature so your friends will know that they have to put up with alot. you have to ask yourself if your social media requires so many disclaimers of the front of it."
"then there is really not a point of having one..."
"because you are just wasting other people's time. other people aren't like you; they are more mature and centred and a lot happier. you can't just show up with all your issues and expecting others to tolerate you. there's a certain level for you to get to before you're able to be loved and support, right?"
"i can imagine it though. i just... wanted to be the one. that was me. i can do it! i believe i can do it..."
"that was like a week ago, your friend actually texted you before they gave up."
"i told them about you, you know? they weren't bothered. you assume you know how people reacted but you're never right, you just -"
"YOU assumed you were right though. generally the insults were right though, people telling you how they really feel."
"i remember it though, that was ME! i can imagine that i was doing alright. i can only picture the best when i'm severally depressed. i atleast want to believe."
🗲 depression is like a squatter that somehow managed to get into your house, refuses to leave and then passive-aggressively criticised you for letting him in the first place.
🗲 depression is like a cancer. we all have it in us; it just depends whether the cancer is activated or not. even if you do have cancer, you can never fully get rid of it. you're just trying to prolong your illness. depression is like that, regardless of how busy you try to make yourself, it is just a manner of time of when depression will come back.
🗲 no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you steer away from that direction, depression is like water. it is everywhere; you just can't see it. but it will always be there.
