#220 Spill Out

Couldn't sleep last night.
Was tossing an turning the whole night long.
Insomnia,
Is what they called it.

Come to think of it.
There was a lot going on in my mind last night.
I mean,
Where was the person I knew oh-so-well went?
We were so very close and somehow;
We drifted apart.
Is it because I don't fit in you're 'crowd'?
Or maybe it's because I'm just some kind of out-cast?
Could it be that because I'm not fun enough?
How about playing in class the whole time?
Am I that different?
Is it because I would like to focus on my studies
Rather than play all the time?
There is a difference between play time and study time, you know?
No.
You'd rather play all the time.
And when there is a conflict between you guys,
You'll come running to me.
Telling me all your problems like I'm your best friend.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm happy that you'll come to me when you need someone to help you.
I'm grateful.
But it kinda sucks, you know?
Just because your friends have no time to listen to your whiny complaints,
You'll come find the person whom will sit quietly and listen.
You then aspect me to somehow, miraculously, solve everything.
Hoping after what I've done, things will run smoothly.
And I've never let you done.
Never before.

Right after the incident,
You'll just throw me away like a damn banana peel.
Macam kacang melupakan kulit.
Like a peanut that has forgotten it's shell (Direct translation)
And when it comes to my turn,
Hoping you'll just listen to me.
That's all I want.
That's all I yearn.
But no.
You won't give me the time of the day.
You'll run around,
Jumping up and down.
Laughing out loud with your special friends.
Leaving me in one corner.
All  by myself.
Whispering to myself that
Everything will be alright,
There's nothing to worry about.
Fighting hard to keep my tears from flowing down my cheeks.
I don't want to cry;
Makes me feel damn vulnerable.
And I hate feeling vulnerable.
Crying are for losers.

How many time have I glance at your directions?
Hoping somehow,
You'll call out my name;
Asking me to join you guys.
Hoping you'll say:
"Hey, this game is not fun without Kim joining us :)"
But, ah.
No.
Not once.
You used to call  me.
You used to ask  me if I'm alright.
You'll leave me alone when I'm angry
Cause you'll know that I'll say words i don't mean.
But now?
I'm just your shadow.

Where is the girl whom I always talked to?
Where is she?
She's long gone with the wind.
My heart whispers quietly to me.

Enough about her.
I've lend you my phone.
I did it so I could communicate with you more often.
Funny how the distance between you and me increased.
You told me you hated her.
I kinda understand why.
I respected you for trying to be nice to her even if you hated her.
I'm cool with that.
But pushing me away?
It just crosses the line.
We used to get into trouble together last time.
It was fun, I admit.
But somehow, you've changed.
And I used to think you're closer to me than your sister and I.
Boy,
How wrong I was.
Haha.

These are nothing more but painful emotions I held in me
For so long.
Maybe it's time for me to let it all out.
Or maybe just some of it.

Highschool.
It's nothing more than people comparing each other.
Grasping nothing but just fame and popularity.
And when you're not popular enough,
They treat you like dirt.
Sometimes,
I wonder why do these kind of things happen.
It troubles me often.
I don't want to be popular;
I just want to be noticed.

Somehow,
Why should I start the conversation first?
All
The
Fucking
Time?
It's like if I don't talk,
You won't talk.
And you told me I didn't open myself to you.
Like you did?
Even if I did,
What good will it do to you?
Make you feel so much better that my life is worst than yours?
That I'm in pain all the time?
A smile is always forced on to my face.
Yes.
I can't control my emotions.
I'm trying very hard right now.

Please,
Whoever is reading this.
I don't need your sympathy.
I can handle this myself.
I really can :)


"Hey, this game isn't fun without Kim joining in :)"