#225 Drown In My Own Sorrows

Went to Bukit Jelutong again today.
Since around 11 this morning.
Gosh.
It was effing boring at my cousin's house.
I mean,
Play Station is fun.
But playing alone is really boring :(
Didn't have lunch there though,
Slept through out the whole afternoon
Due to my sleepless night :(

It's like these few days,
I can't seem to sleep.
Really hate it.
There are time it felt like
My body is resting but my mind isn't.
Could it be the fault of my nightmares?
Yes.
Nightmares.
Been attracting them like flies are attracted to food.
I remember what I dream last night.
It was about my results.

"Kim, wake up," a tender voice poked through my sleep.
"Get the fuck up!"
My eyes snapped open and I saw my mom standing before me.
Her left hand holding my results;
Where else her right is holding a butcher knife.
My heart pounded.
"What the fuck is this?" she asked me.
Her voice was harsh.
"My results?"
She took her knife and started stabbing the paper
As though it was alive.
"Yeah. Your results."
I shivered.
"How is it?"
I got an A for English, 
Pass both my BM and Moral.
Not really sure about the rest.
"Bad?"
Down came the knife.
Missed my fingers but my hand came off.
I screamed.
"Shut up! Shut up!" she yelled.
I whimpered due to the pain.
My bed soaked with my blood.
"You're horrible!
Pathetic!
I wonder why I even give birth to such an awful child.
Why can't I have a kid like Yvonne?
Or even Kit Kit?
Why not Marissa huh?
I bet her results are way better than you."
I could feel my tears running down my cheeks.
Yes,
Why am I so pathetic?
Why can't I be like everyone else?
Why can't I be some one that won't let others down?
Why?
Cause I'm me.
And I know it.
I have done nothing but causing much trouble in other's life.
"Kill me." I whispered.
"What?"
"I say kill me!"
She stared at me, blankly.
"Kill me, damn it! Kill me!" my voice rang down the hallway.
"I'm nothing but a pathetic loser!
I can't do anything right!
I'm jinx!
Kill me!
Just kill me!"
I saw the knife coming towards me...

And I woke up.
My shirt clung onto my skin.
I was breathing heavily
And through out for the rest of the night,
I couldn't sleep at all.

Last night one was worst.
It was about Jerry.
To put a long story short.
He died.

Cruel.
I know.
Another sleepless night.
I my as well become a vampire :/
Off to watch Betrayal Knows My Name. :D

Could it be the fault of my nightmares?