#496 On The Picket Fence, Into The Depths

what did i do wrong?

the amount of time ive spent,
the effort that ive pushed forth.
wasted.

basically,
i graduated with a pass;
a third class honors and because of that,
i am unable to further my progress.
i am unable to proceed to apply for the exam
in order for me to possess a license to practice in court.

i am stuck.
try as i might,
no matter how hard i claw my way out,
no matter how many breaths i take,
it all seem futile.
which then brings me the question:
why bother?

the path that ive edged and forged my way through
came to a stop.
a dead end.

for so many months,
ive been trying to keep myself busy.
looking for part time jobs and so on.
however,
the question stays:
why bother?

i then told myself,
atleast i get a little income and i am able to gain experience.
the question once again arise:
why bother?

why do should i bother putting myself into that position?
the position that i am unable to reach no matter how hard ive tried?
no matter how hard ive jumped and clawed my way to the top?
that position is unreachable thanks to the one thing that is holding me down:
my degree;
that heavy weight that is not only on my shoulders but around my ankles,
the weight that refuses to left me lift my fingers nor my confidence,
the weight that stops me from being happy.

oh kim, you should be happy!
youve graduated with a degree and that is something!

NO!
its not!
what is the point of me trying to strive forward
when i am unable to do the thing i look forward to since my teenage years?
it is like asking a fisherman to go out to the stormy seas
with nothing but a boat.
no fishing rod,
no fishing net,
no nothing.

why dont you just try to find a different profession?

it is really easy for you to say as it does not apply to you.
i built my life around this goal i had since i was 15,
and yet,
the result is that i am not worthy to progress on.

i am not worthy.
a failure,
if you will.

it is not enough that my confidence have been constantly pushed down
by others commenting of how fat i am,
but to be pushed even further down to find out that
i failed in life?

on the bright side,
ive already applied to the NCA for me to be able to progress in Canada.
if only.

im laughing at myself.
bright side.
what fucking bright side is that?
to be waiting anxiously for the result?

why dont you just kiss my rotten hand and pull the fucking plug already?

fuck me.